men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.