I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
S/o to @funTweeters .
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house