I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.