Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what