Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
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“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
The symmetry is uncanny.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still