I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
twitter users today:
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*