I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”