Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Good advice.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
need him
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.