Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket