My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
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9.
10. He is a cat.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…