My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
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Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
the short answer to this question
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that