I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
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Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot