Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
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The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Spell check is for lasers.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.