Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
You Might Also Like
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.