Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.