My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The happy life.. 😊
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]