“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family