8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.