FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
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Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
🤣🤣🤣
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!