“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
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Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Meme Monday.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.