My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
You Might Also Like
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Best mom ever 😂
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap