One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no