GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
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I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.