Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
😂💯
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.