My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?