I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.