Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
secret recipe
Still my favourite meme.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”