You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son