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[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”