A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
a lot to unpack here
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.