Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.