THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Monday?
No. Next question.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch