Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
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My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Story of my life…..
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders