FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
You Might Also Like
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My dad is at it again
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right