The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I will never stop laughing at this
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I hope this email finds you in a well
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable