Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
No, I don’t think I will.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Morning my dudes.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.