boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
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It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
WTF IS THAT!
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.