In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree