Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers