kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Ovenable?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down