I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life