Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
yea so i messed up lol
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home