I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths