me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
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My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.