Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*orders delivery*
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.