[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.