I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
FRED: right
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“Why you watching this shit?”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily