[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.