As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
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There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
get you a girl who
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Ron is short for Aaronald
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!