Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
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PLOT TWIST:
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat